Expressions of Grace

Nothing Really

2012-02-17T11:23:00.000-05:00

I realize that anyone could read this meaningless little blog; but I have made the decision, that as I write, I will do so without thinking about any specific readers. I need to have the freedom to write whatever is on my heart or mind without being concerned about who or how it may affect a potential reader; or burden myself with thoughts of someone questioning my motives in writing on certain topics.

This is MY blog. It is an outlet for me, an escape of sorts. It is where I can be overtly Steffanie... please allow me the freedom to do that. I welcome your comments. In fact, I actually look forward to "discovering" them... they are like little gifts (cheesy I know, but honest). I enjoy hearing the feedback of your thoughts on the subject or even (gulp) how I presented the subject.

I am going to pray here tonight... I don't even really know why, except that tonight I need to cry out Jesus and as you read you can pray with me if you'd like

Father,

You alone are worthy. You are good and kind. Your grace and patience are beyond my ability to understand... thank you is SO trite but it is all I have. I love and adore You. Your provisions are countless. It is in Your presence that I find the deepest peace...

Cast me not away from Your presence, Oh God. Take not Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me, the joy of Your salvation; and renew a right spirit within me.

Papa, you know the deepest needs of my heart... I do not. I know that my heart deceives me; it guides me into places that are not safe for me. Help me discern safe places. My heart Lord, is shattered... maybe beyond repair. Only You know.

I bring some especially close friends before You tonight... seal them in love and bind them together in perfect peace. Bring healing and wholeness. Give me words of life that I may speak over them as I pray for them.

Forgive me Father, I am going to sleep now... I cannot even keep my eyes open to finish this. I love and adore You. May Your grace abound! But ultimatey, may You be glorified!

I bring these things to You in the precious name of JESUS. Amen.

**I actually wrote this last night... apparently, I fell asleep and woke up 10 hours later to find I had not posted it... I needed that-Thank You, Jesus.

Home Alone

2012-02-11T02:39:00.001-05:00

I'm having trouble sleeping yet another night... so I thought I would come and hang out here for awhile. Maybe I will bore myself to sleep.

I am struggling a little tonight with some jealousy. Random right? It actually surprises me a little. This is something with which I have I not struggled much. If any of you reading this know me personally, you know my where life has been and is. So all things considered, I really have not battled this much, albeit odd.

I think the catalyst is seeing some of the people around me having what used to be mine. Being married to your best friend, the one who would die for you. The one who lays beside you, laughing at the truly dumbest things together; and the one who lays beside you who holds you while you cry together. Convincing the children you are going upstairs to take a Sunday afternoon "nap". Sharing inside jokes that no one else in the room gets but the two of you. Still being friends... while having them walk through the hell of life with you... that's what I envy the most right now... even if it's a hell created by the one of you, you still get to walk it out together. There is power in that... there is power in being together. I really miss together.

It's not all of the feelings of romantic love that I miss, while great, those have a shelf life, in any relationship. It is that place of just knowing someone else has your back...always. That at the end of a really bad day, you get to end it with someone you love and who loves you back.  Being with the person whose footsteps you know; whose cough, laugh,and even sniff, you would know without hesitation.  It's being together even with other couples or families and getting to go home together and share the memories of those times. It is getting to watch and hear some pretty neat stuff with your children and share the memories of the moments... together. I find myself having to fight through these feelings as I watch husbands usher their wives out of church with children in tow... leaving together; as I walk out to my minivan (a family vehicle) and sink into the dreaded driver's seat... alone. I really miss together.

I had a close friend confide in me recently about some frustrations of their, just under 20 year, marriage. This friend shared about, what I would describe as, the mundane and menial things that are very common at that length marriage.  May I propose, that those things that would be considered mundane, menial, common, maybe even at times boring, are the very things that provide safety, security and on some level, comfort... why? Because they are being done together.   Embrace it. Cherish it. Be intentional. Make memories... together. You are living in the days that you will talk about for the rest of your life, should you get the gift of longevity. I am telling you, on this side... alone... is far worse than together.

Not Bad Lookin' For a Fat Chic

2012-02-10T21:51:00.000-05:00

This post will be short and sweet... ok, mostly short. I have come to the conclusion that I have become so much more sinister, cynical and negative than I ever wanted be. I'm going to spend some more time with Daddy to get to the root of it. I hate it. Primarily, because I see it present its ugly head most often toward my children. Rather than looking for the best, I simply seem to see only the worst. The most hideous thing about that is (gulp) I have become much to quick to point it out.

I am going to do what I do NOT want to do here... confess. (It is always so much worse when you have to actually say it.) Let me give you an example. As soon as my oldest, teenage daughter got into the van after school, the very first words out of my mouth were, "Is that really what you wore to school today? Why don't you care how sloppy that looks?" She just rolled her eyes. Mind you, she was completed covered. Nothing inappropriate- for which I should be (and am) glad. I have other friends with quite the opposite problem. But it didn't end there. I went on. (Bigger gulp.) "Did you even wash your mascara off last night before bed... it's all running under your eyes." She turned her head away from me and just stared out the window. What's wrong with me??

Part of me justifies my actions. Deplorable as they may be. I know people treat you differently depending on how you look... I know this by experience. I was treated one way as an obese woman (that's a whole other blog); but quite differently when I got smaller; from people at the mall to people at church. It's true.

Let me digress for a moment. Just a couple of weeks ago I was in a conversation with some very close friends of mine. They confronted me about something I had done/said in relationship to the husband. I asked them if what I did and said would have been seen differently, if one: I were in a healthy marriage; two: if I was still fat. The answer? YES. I could have done and said the EXACT same thing and the response would have just been, "Oh, that's just Steffanie." They literally admitted this to me. How I looked factored into how even some of my closest adult friends, treated me or responded to my interaction with them. It matters.

How do I balance this unfortunate reality, with the efforts of teaching my girls to not allow what others think of them to affect who they are... but it does. (I have now gone in a completely different direction than first I intended here.) But the question is one that continues to push to the forefront with me. How do I balance this for myself. I used to, almost obsessively, never leave the house without makeup. When you are obese, people make assumptions about you; you are lazy, undisciplined, and a slob. I worked to counteract these stereotypes. If you are being honest, if a skinny girl walks into Walmart with a holey sweatshirt and sweatpants, you probably won't even notice her. But if a woman (or man for that matter) walked in wearing the same thing at 250 pounds, those assumptions begin to cross your mind. They have mine. So I fought to be the "cute" "big" girl; by what I wore, and never being seen without makeup. I wish I could give you a count of how many times I heard, "You have such a pretty face." FYI- we "big" girls KNOW what that really means: "You're not bad looking for a fat chic." I'm not just being funny here. Have you ever heard that said, or thought it, about a skinny girl? Have you ever heard someone say to a thin woman "You have such a pretty face"? Yeah, me either. It matters.

I have a lot more freedom in how I look... do I want to present myself well? Sure. But it doesn't drive me like it used to. I prefer to wear my makeup, but I don't stress if I am "caught" without it. I wear sweatpants, holey jeans and grungy work shirts. Would I still do that if I were obese? I don't know. But I know I am beginning to care less what others think of me... or am I now just transferring that to what others think of my daughter? Ugh.

I am sure I will continue to revisit this issue... it is too cyclical to not. Until then, I am going to work at God's instruction to "...encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today...". You know what, my daughter looked...um, uh... comfortable! Yeah, comfortable. Comfortable in her own skin... I want to be like her when I grow up.

Creepers

2012-02-10T18:04:00.003-05:00

Hey! I saw earlier that a few of you have "checked in" to see if there is anything new posted yet (assuming, because no one has left any new comments). I am thoroughly flattered and feel loved. ;) I will have something to post by this evening. Hope you stop back!

Giant Print Edition

2012-02-09T21:55:00.002-05:00

Wow. Just started typing out this post and went back to increase the font size because I couldn’t see what I was typing. That has determined the direction of this post. Let’s do something a little more light hearted than several of the previous musings.

Aging sucks. I am not even forty yet…I know, it’s creeping; but the aging process has been increasingly noticeable in the last year. I would like to fault the events of life’s recent circumstances, and perhaps they have played a part; but overall it is just the suckiness (yeah, that’s right suckiness- is that with an i or a y?) of pushing 40.

When did the distinction between my butt and legs vanish? Or at what precise moment did I mistake my hands for my mother’s? (No intended offense Mother, but you are 23 years older than I.) Dear lord, do I even want to go into facial hair? It’s like I woke up one morning and could create a locks-of-loves donation for the Chin Hair Club for Women; and that’s a whole separate issue from the verity that I now have more chins than the Chinese phone book (this is not a racial slur; it could be likened to saying- more Schmidt than a German outhouse, just not as fitting.)

Now, I will say the “up” side to the bust issue is just that. With age, and having nursed three children, if I want to wear them up, I can wear them up. If I want to wear them down, I can wear them down. I can now even wear them to the side. Versatility. That’s how I’m gonna roll with it (as the whippersnappers say). Nevertheless, I am still frustrated with the whole concurrent arrival of wrinkles AND zits… one of life’s greatest injustices.

I have also become aware, that I no longer simply arise from a chair… I lean, slide and push up. What is that?? My knees also sound like Rice Krispies upon both, the ascent and descent, of the freaking stairs. I don’t even know if I can stomach the details regarding hair. Why is it, that for every two hairs I lose, only one GREY hair replaces it? Those ratios are completely out of proportion… and SO not in my favor. Those of you with great hair (and you so know who you are), should be on your face before our Creator in humble thanksgiving for your crown of glory. (Blehk…I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.)

Okay, well I had the early bird special; watched 60 minutes from the davenport; and the sun has already set so I should probably turn in for the night (I love my Craftmatic Adjustable). Anybody seen my bi-focals so I can see where to shut off this new-fangled piece of machinery? :/

Tonight's Menu: Lentil Loaf

2012-02-09T04:08:00.000-05:00

I don't want to post something on here just to be posting. I don't want to use up words and space without meaning. Yet, as I have mentioned in many a post, I often "get" something from Papa when I begin to write. Although, I am beginning to wonder if He has anything to say to or through me right me now.

I have heard it said recently, that the Teacher usually remains silent during a test. What if I have taken the test and failed? It is not the failure of the test that is so disconcerting (although painful); I just know, because God is a good Teacher, that He will "allow" me to take the test again and again until I pass it. He wants me to pass. He produces provisions for me to pass. My spirit says, "Then how can I fail?!" But my soul cries out, "What if it's no longer in me?". What if I just want to lay my head down on the desk and go to sleep? Can I just drop out?

A close friend and I were grappling with this very matter today. Pain can often times be SO deep, SO intense, SO chronic and unrelenting, that many times we are willing to do just about anything to make it stop. We want to believe anything that remotely offers to immobilize it, lessen the frequency of it, or at least provide respite from it.

I think one of the enemy's greatest deceptions is to tempt us into believing, if we throw in the proverbial towel, that things will get easier. If we would just cease from waging war... if we would wave the notorious white flag... if we surrender in defeat...resign; then the pain would no longer overwhelm us. We could get off the tumultuous treadmill of anguish and grief. No longer would perpetual rejection, justifiable anger, or addiction battle against our emotions or actions. It may not be freedom in its truest sense or even how we want to experience it, but it would be relief. So we think.

I am reminded of David's three "mighty men"(2 Samuel 23:8-13). Adino killed 800 men at one time. Eleazer defied the Philistines, after the rest of the men of Israel retreated, by attacking them "until his hand was weary, and his hand stuck to his sword." Finally, Shammah, also abandoned by his troops, "stationed himself in the middle of a lentil field, defended it, and killed the Philistines." The scriputure pronounces that God brought about great victories through them... for an entire nation.

I can only surmise that, after oh, let's say a couple/few hundred defeated, Adino would have hoped that his battle was soon over. Certainly he was exhausted. Worn down. Despondent, no less. What if he had stopped there? What if he stopped at 799? I am left to wonder if there would have been victory...

Eleazer? "Determined" is a grotesque understatement. He was indomitable. What kind of man fights until there is such a grip on his sword that it becomes one with his hand? Surely he was in excruiating pain. I reason that it is entirely probable that he lost his hand. I propose that he considered liberating the sword to save his hand. Would he experience a sense of relief each time he looked at his fully intact hand; or would the bitterness of defeat haunt him?

Finally, Shammah. (He's my favorite.) A lentil patch? Really? There he was, in the middle of a field, deserted by his troops, surrounded by Philistines. I can almost hear him. "My family and I tilled this field. I toiled in this field. I planted these lentils. I watched over these lentils. I watered these lentils. I weeded these lentils. I'm going to flippin' eat them!" What audaciouness. Could it be that he reconsidered his stand? Might he, standing alone, surrounded by the enemy, have begun to reach for the white flag? How could he not have weighed out the inevitable fatigue, the foreseeable defeat, the utter hopelessness of a victory, the likelyhood of making his wife a widow? Retreating must have looked like wisdom... His wife may have had a husband, but would their nation prosper?

I don't know what lies ahead... I do not even know what to expect with the sun's rising, except that it will. I do know I want to be "done" in so many areas and in so many ways. My flesh is ready to liberate the sword, retreat in exhaustion, or at least seek a temporary respite. BUT, if I choose to not press on, will the Lord give me a great victory?

I too, wanna eat my flippin' lentils... I pray I have the strength to stand.

Memoirs of a Midget

2012-02-08T10:55:00.002-05:00

I have gone back and forth about whether or not I would post this. I have decided it is just to "rich" not to do it. Our middle daughter has a birthday the end of February. She will be 12 this year (omg). She has recently learned that this is a leap year and is fascinated by it. While on the trip home from school she begins, once again, to wonder out loud about it.

"Mommy, you know that if I had been born on leap year I would technically only be 3."

Smiling, "Yes, honey I understand what you are what saying. But not necessarily technically. You would still be 12."

Deeply serious, "Ok? But I was wondering, Mom. If I had been born on leap year would I still be in a really little body like when I was three?"

With every ounce of volitional choice to forbid the eruption of laughter, I choke out, "Ahem, um... no, Sweetie. You would still have grown into the body you have now."

* I adore this child. She is simple and exact. She is on the honor roll. Yet, at the risk of sounding arrogant, I am still brooding over how this child was produced by my husband and me.

** I am expectantly awaiting her next inquiry. "So were midgets born on leap years?"

*** Yes, I know the "pc" terminology is "little people", but she would say midget! :o)

Paying it Forward

2012-02-08T00:39:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I am going to share someone else's words, an encouragement I received from a friend. I am posting this with the hope that it will encourage you as it does me. Please read it as though it were written to/for you:

It's so easy to revert to platitudes in these situations so I will make every attempt to maintain relevance and trust you'll forgive me if I fail.

First of all, you are precious to our Daddy. He loves you, immensely. Not only does He love you; He also wants the best for you. Sometimes its hard to see and recognize that, though, when in the midst of the trial with an enemy who is determined to continually bring before us all that we 'can't have' and 'don't have'.

Beloved, you are a 'princess/prince of the King (of kings). Believe it! Receive it! Live in it!

Life stinks sometimes. (You can't imagine how well I also understand this.) But know that you are being fashioned into the image of Jesus through this. Difficult? ABSOLUTELY; but also worth it if we can catch a glimpse of the big picture of God's glory. Paul tells us that God's glory is so much greater that our suffering isn't even worthy of being compared to it. Hard to believe in the middle of the muddle, though.

I came across a verse yesterday which spoke to some of the pain in my heart/life (yes, my life has had sufficient pain and struggle too). Matthew 4:1 tells us that Jesus was led into the wilderness, by the Spirit. BY THE SPIRIT! Does life feel like a wilderness? Does your current circumstance seem unbearable? (Remember the big picture.) Perhaps our Papa has actually brought you here for a specific purpose.

I know this doesn't ease the pain but perhaps you can receive some encouragement from it (as I did).

I could go on but, again, I don't want to add insult to injury by only speaking Christianese. I gather that you already know all the facts and are simply needing someone to 'listen' to your heart as it speaks through its pain and brokenness.

Take courage, Beloved. You are loved. You are precious. YOU are a CHILD of the KING!!!

Be blessed and encouraged, Beloved.

You Never Let Go

2012-02-08T00:06:00.000-05:00

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near.

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth.

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You!

Worship with me...

Private Ponderings (well, kinda)

2012-02-07T11:22:00.000-05:00

I am sitting in a “park”… should be working, I know. However, I am thoroughly distracted by the ponderings of my own hypocrisy. I have preached, exhorter, encouraged, even demanded of people that I love, to “take their thoughts captive”. Yet, I feel as though my own feeble attempts to do so are like trying to lasso the wind. Tell me I am not alone in this. Why can I not seem to walk out the very thing I have “sermonized” so many times? I have not been without victory in this… so why is this SO hard now?

I have come to the point in my life where I despise my own humanity. I know these are things as Christians we are not say out loud, but I am so over that… I told a friend recently that I believed part of my calling was to speak life, abundant life into others. How could I possibly speak into someone what I cannot seem to live out? I KNOW that Jesus has and wants more for me… I KNOW that… but my heart cannot seem to grasp this. It is as if everything I have ever learned has been thrown out the proverbial window…

As one who often operates within my intellect, I am finding it increasingly difficult to know what to do with all of the questions of the heart that cannot be “answered”. If I were looking at myself and my circumstances from the outside, I would know exactly how I would counsel me. Let me try to articulate what I mean. I would say, “You have legs… I know you don’t feel like you do, but you do. Now on that truth, get up and walk.” I get that. But somewhere I must not really believe my legs, if I still have them, will really allow me to walk… or is it that I don’t believe that walking will really be better than not walking. Am I making any sense at all?

Please do not leave me any comments about how I need to quit trying to “figure it out”. I am really quite tired of hearing people tell me that… it is part of how I am wired. Deal with it. (Sorry, that was a little harsh.) I need a safe place to just be honest about where I am… right now, that place is here.

Whoever you are, wherever you are… thanks for “listening”.

Coming Out of the Closet

2012-02-06T23:46:00.001-05:00

Most often, I am fairly insightful when it comes to discerning specific issues or concerns with my children. But yesterday I had something occur with my youngest that I still have yet to uncover.

Let me give you some background. My husband and I conceived twins 16 years ago. I gave birth to death on July 25, 1996. Our son and daughter were not even one pound each and died in womb. We knew, for two excruciatingly longs days, that their tiny lives had ceased before their delivery, but were uncertain as to their sex. My husband, without that knowledge (of gender) declared their names: Joshua and Jennifer. The doctor's initial pronouncement was that they were girls, but after closer examination (they were so tiny and had already begun to decompose in womb) realized that one, in fact, was a little boy. Our only son. To maintain the focus of this post, I do not need to go into the detail of that season of our life... that may be for another day.

We have talked openly about the twins (and two miscarriages) with our living children. We have taken them to the cemetery to see where their brother and sister are buried. Our girls also know that, as sad and painful as it was for us, if Jesus had not taken Joshua and Jennifer home, we would not have them and we would not want it differently.

Shortly following their birth/death, my mother gave me a set of Lennox porcelain dolls. Newborn babies. Twins. A baby boy dressed in a blue sleeper with a tiny blue blanket; and a girl in the same but in pink. Both with their eyes closed... so peaceful. I keep them "displayed" in my closet on a shelf. The girls have been reminded countless times who they represent and that they are not toys.

Present day... I was in the bathroom yesterday, getting ready to come out, when I noticed my youngest daughter (8yo) standing in the doorway. She was cradling the boy baby doll tightly in her arms and close to her chest. She burst into tears and cried, "I WANT A BROTHER!"... more tears. She just looked at me with tears streaming down her face and then held "him" up to her face to nuzzle him more closely. I simply walked over to her and drew her into my chest. I assured her that she was certainly feeling a lot of emotions right now and was probably really tired too... what could I say?

I don't want to psycho-analyze her, but I do not want to ignore it either. So I suppose this particular post is really to take in any of your thoughts, discernment or counsel.

I confess, there are days I am so thankful that some of my children were spared the pain of this life...

Awh, Fatty!

2012-02-06T20:07:00.000-05:00

I realize that what I am about to post some of you will not find nearly as funny as I do (ahem, those of the maternal nature). May I remind you that this is MY blog. :) I have been in enough of a funk lately that I literally watched the following video enough times that I began the "awh, Fatty!" laugh* that I have not done in a very long time. You don't have to think it's funny... but more than likely, you'll watch it more than once. :D

*"Awh, Fatty" is a bit by Adam Sandler- this is what my husband affectionately calls me when I start laughing until I wheeze. It became slightly awkward for other people (to our amusement) to hear him say that to me as a (then) obese woman!

I guess this would make me the "black lung"

Here I Go Again on My Own (not really- just a cool 80's throwback)

2012-02-06T06:49:00.000-05:00

Eyes open? Check. Feet to the floor? Check. Coffee? Check. Good morning, Monday. Thankfully Mondays are not new for me... this ain't my first rodeo. (Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to even write "ain't", even when I am trying to be cute?) I am really going to begin this week with a new focus... uh, I just need to figure out what that's going to be first. The fact that I was out of bed by six is good; a start. I know several of you who read my blog, and some of you I do not. But any of you who talk to Jesus, I would love for your conversation with Him to include me on some level if that is cool to ask of you.

There are many things I don't get to do/have "my" way in this life... I was really walking in a place of freedom when I was surrendered to His way. I have somehow walked away from that. I have been incredibly focused on all that I can't have, don't have, that I know I have lost sight of all that I do have in Christ. That being said, I also know that I am too weak, without others around me, to manufacture that level of focus right now... I need you to raise up my arms. I don't usually pine for this, but if you have a word of encouragement please feel free to leave it under the comments or there is an email link under my profile (I think) where you can send me an email directly from this site (I think the email availability is under the first contributor profile-blogger not google+).

I realize that this really is not a post with much "color" and I hope to change that soon, but it is a dimension of me... right where I am. I cannot be anyone or anywhere else right now.

I am surrounded by some pretty amazing people. May I just tell you in advance to your prayers and encouragements:

I love you...

It Matters

2012-02-05T17:43:00.001-05:00

I have returned home. My mind has been everywhere but where it needs to be, so more than likely, I will have several different postings (trying to keep the things in my head sorted out in some manner) this afternoon/evening. Bear with me... (or not. You don't have to read any it!).

I looked around the room this afternoon at the people in the retirement home. While I may be far from "old" I am so in the aging process. I have found myself looking in the mirror more lately. (Yeah, that's a little awkward to admit.) I must tell you, I am less than thrilled at what is looking back at me. I don't know that I have ever thought myself ugly (there is always better and thereby always worse). But I don't care what they tell you in church, or anywhere else for that matter, beauty does matter to a girl. I KNOW that what most matters is the beauty of the soul. I fully agree and get that. But to say that a girl shouldn't care about how she looks it completely unrealistic.

It totally matters whether or not a woman feels beautiful. I will confess, I thought it would become significantly less important as I got older... it hasn't. I had a friend, of the male persuasion, tell me recently, that a man wants to know at certain age that he's still got "it". I don't know that as women we need to know that so much, as we want to know if we are seen as beautiful... genuinely beautiful. The kind of beauty that stands out... that gets noticed... that is specific. Are my eyes beautiful? Even if they are now showing the footprints of small birds? Do they intrigue you? Is my smile one that captivates your heart? Even if the lines around it remain when the smile doesn't? What about my hair? My nose? I don't need to go on... read the Song of Songs. Solomon shows us how it's done. Even scripture validates our need to know... to feel... to be... beautiful. It totally matters.

If it doesn't matter, then why did most of the women at the service today still have their hair done and many with make-up on? Of course it matters. I know it matters to me... even with more gray hair, lines and ugh- fat. Maybe especially now. I had someone give me a really nice compliment on my twitter profile picture. I was actually surprised and a little embarrassed at how good it made me feel... it matters.

But I do know that when I come to the end of my life, ultimately the physical beauty, as I know it, will fade... it will be who I am and what I've become that will display my truest beauty . I hope to feed my soul and live my life in such a way that when I am 97, I will have a man look me in the eyes and tell me how beautiful I am...
(ok, let's not play... I'd take it at 38!)

Sigh

2012-02-05T13:40:00.001-05:00

I am getting ready to go the local retirement community to have an opportunity to serve through music... I feel so inadequate and unworthy today. But it will be good to focus on others. I will go, using the gifts God has given me, but somehow it feels less than my best.

Worship was good this morning... a few more of my "go to" songs were appropriately sung (Blessed Be Your Name, Hosanna- Paul Baloche I love him, Hear Us From Heaven). I must keep my eyes on Him.

Why is it such a battle these days? The loneliness that has set in is almost unbearable. Actually, it is a little scary. I haven't struggled with this in as long as I can remember, believe it or not. This is the first time in years we have not been invited somewhere to watch the Superbowl. My oldest is going to a church party and my youngest two have been invited to go watch the game with their daddy... is Jesus trying to kill me? I don't want to be alone today... again.

I'm sure I will be checking in later... off now to attempt to make other people happy.

Java Jive

2012-02-05T08:33:00.003-05:00

How bad a person does it make me that the primary reason I am excited to go to church today is that (if I can get there early enough) I can have my favorite "sunday morning" flavored coffee and specialty creamer... for free. Ugh. :/

The Crying Game

2012-02-05T01:03:00.000-05:00

I am thankful to have had a good night at church tonight. I am even more thankful for the dearest friends... truly. Having a good experience tonight, while needed, leads me to another place of honesty. I am anxious about going to my "home" church tomorrow. See, very few people actually know me on Saturday nights. I can go worship, hear good teaching, be blessed and go home. I know that is not how "church" is supposed be. We are to know each other... be in community... live life together. But that is part of why I am struggling.

Most people only have a "Sunday morning" perspective of who I am. Not because of anything that I am trying to hide nor anyone else's neglect; but I believe it is a combination of not really having the time to get to know one another and people often decide what they want to believe about you, true or not. Sadly, I wish this were only true of people I know casually.

Let me try to explain. As you now know, I have had a pretty awful week. I 've felt extremely alone and at times in deep sadness (among other crap). I cannot go to church in the morning and just be in that emotional "place" with people. Please understand, I am all about authenticity and being real. I am not about wearing masks. Most often, I am who I am, like it or not.

Here is the problem: people do not know what to do with Steffanie when she is not "like" Steffanie. For those who do not know me well, they assume something is wrong with them if I somehow overlook them because I am distracted in my pain. Because I am generally and genuinely about other people, if there is an occurence where that is not happening they become offended. Then there are those who do know me better, even well in some cases. If I do not come in "shining" they can spot it fairly quickly.

I would not be exaggerating to say that some of them, upon seeing my "lack of luster", will actually walk away before making eye contact... they don't know what to say. And then there are those who know me well (this is true in any area of my life not just church), but do not know how to "handle" me when I am down. I am sure that is in part because I rarely am, but when I am down it's not pretty. I also think that people have come to know and expect me as the truth-telling exhorter; which I am... most of the time. But I am multi-dimensional. People see me as strong, capable, witty, encouraging, and happy. I am all of these things. But I can also be weak, (utterly weak) incapable, and deeply wounded; and guess what... I even cry. I am telling you, people do not know how to handle me when I am in one of those such places.

Very few people have seen me cry... like actually sniffing, snotting, or any noise crying. There are two reasons for that. One, I don't cry when you are supposed to cry... like at funerals or when someone else it crying, really, about anytime it is expected. I hate it actually... I feel it inside of me but nothing comes out. (Although, I am sap for Folgers commercials, Hallmark- I take kleenex when picking out cards and chic flicks.) I just realized as I made that list those are all times that I am typically alone or noone is really watching me. That leads me to the second reason.

This last reason goes back to what I said earlier... people do not know how to handle me, or deal with me when I'm down or crying. I wish I could describe to you the looks on people's faces when they look onto my tears... so I just don't cry much in front of others; to spare them the apparent torment of feeling helpless. Not only that, but it feels like a rejection of me... that place in me that needs to cry, that needs to feel deeply, is a dimension of me. If someone cannot handle that, they are essentially rejecting a part of me. I am not making this stuff up... I have been told (more than once) that people have confessed to not knowing what to do with me.

This is one of the deepest appreciations I have had for my husband (and one of the things I miss so terribly). He was never afraid of my tears. He most often, just had an innate sense as to what I needed and he just did it. He let me cry. He did not judge me. He never questioned if my tears were manipulative (and they weren't). He didn't question me at all. He didn't think me weak. He let that dimension of me play out without even a hint of wondering what was "wrong" with me. It was one of his truest forms of love and acceptance of me. If I cried hard, even to the place of weeping and sobbing, he just held me tighter... God, I miss that.

VERY few have seen me cry like my husband has... but if you are one of them, thank you. Thank you for making it safe enough and being strong enough.

So, tomorrow will come. I will walk into a church full of people, husbands with their wives, father's with their children, and I with loneliness, a broken heart, and a smile... no one will no the difference. No one will know that I am sparing them from the awkwardness of not knowing how to respond.

I just had this "vision" of Jesus walking up to me as I am looking to the floor... He lifts my face up from under my chin, looks me in the eyes and says "Broken is beautiful Baby... you are beautiful and accepted exactly as you are Steffanie, not in part but the whole of who you are." I begin weeping... uncontrollaby... and it is good.

State of Heart

2012-02-04T12:19:00.000-05:00

As an occasional reader in the bloggisphere, I am easily annoyed with those that frequently post songs. I am on your blog because I want to read what you have to say. Yet, I now find myself as a musician (using that term loosely) and singer (slightly more accurate), with few words (withhold snickering); as such, it is the power of music and articulation of other, more adept artists, that seem to best express my current state of heart and mind. Please indulge (or forgive) me...

Who can hold the stars
And my weary heart?
Who can see everything?

I've fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean
Or do anything
But it's when you hold me
That I start unfolding
And all I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah

The same sun that
Rises over castles
And welcomes the day

Spills over buildings
Into the streets
Where orphans play

And only you can see the good
In broken things
You took my heart of stone
And you made it home
And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah

(Bethany Dillon - I first heard this on Pandora where she does a complete acoustic version...beautiful.)

Whatever's in front of me help me sing hallelujah...

Voice of Truth

2012-02-04T09:50:00.000-05:00

I am sure I am not the only one experiencing this: the war in your soul rages... you desperately want to follow your heart. The "calling" is SO strong that you believe if you go where it wants to take you, that an ocean of relief will overwhelm your soul; like an unquenchable thirst finally satisfied with streams of water. Yet, the Truth reminds you that the heart decieves you and wants to take you where your spirit cannot allow. Speak ever so loudly Voice of Truth...come strengthen my broken heart and utterly weak flesh.

Free Falling

2012-02-04T01:12:00.000-05:00

I really should not be posting right now... I am not in the frame of mind that will express encouragement to others. However, this is MY blog and I need to "talk" but I really don't want to talk to anyone. Does that make sense? To those of you who are external processors, you get me.

This has been a really bad day... it's been hard all week actually, but it has gotten progressively worse; today it peaked (I hope). My life circumstances have remained essentially the same. But I have had to face some minor set-backs. I have had to deal with yet another issue of betrayal and deceit from someone close to me. I have been home most of the week (our office has been closed) trying to get caught up on some things; I am now thoroughly disgusted with myself for not accomplishing that. Yet, I cannot discern any one "thing" that has provoked me. It is the culmination of things I suppose.

I wish I could completely describe all that I am feeling... all that is weighing so heavily... It doesn't even seem to be in my mind, it is like a deep, intense agitation of the soul. Ok, so to be completely confessional, of course some of it I have battled in my mind and heart, but it seems to go even deeper.

I have made some really bad choices in the not so distant past... unthinkable, actually. While I know there has been genuine repentance and forgiveness, I can't help but think that part of what I may be experiencing is some residual effect of my sin.

I received a text today that said, "Being a Christian doesn't mean I won't fall... it means Jesus will catch me when I do..." Well, I have fallen and I now I feel like I am free falling.

I am surrounded by incredible friends and family... incredible; but I feel SO alone. I want to stop falling, Jesus... I want to be caught and then held by You. Oh, that You could lay beside me and have arms to wrap around me until I fell asleep... I want to feel covered... protected... safe... accepted... cherished...

I'm tired... I don't want to be in the driver's seat anymore. I want to be led into righteousness. Is it time yet, Father? Are we almost there? How much longer, Daddy?

I know I am to be more than a conqueror, but today, this Warrior is a child...

Take Me In

2012-02-03T12:03:00.000-05:00

Take me past the outer courts
Into the Holy Place
Past the brazen altar
Lord I want to see Your face
Pass me by the crowds of people
And the Priests who sing Your praise
I hunger and thirst for Your righteousness
But it's only found in one place...

Take me into the holy of holies
Take me in by the blood of the Lamb
Take me into the holy of holies
Take the coal, touch my lips, here I am.

(I confess that I am partial to Petra's original production of this song but the message is the same...)

My Daddy Calls it "Stinkin' Thinkin'"

2012-02-02T22:20:00.000-05:00

I received an email this morning from someone very close to me who has been struggling with some physical issues... nothing critical or life threatening (which testing has confirmed), but the issues are limiting; some of which, with the passing of NO judgement, are repercussions of some life choices, adding to the emotional drain. I have their permission to share portions of my response to their email. I am sharing it here because, in usual Jesus-to-Steffanie fashion, He taught and encouraged me as I wrote. And I pray He may show you something of Himself in it as well.

*Note* I will use {........} for information that I have intentionally omitted from the original email or for the sake of clarity.

{Beloved},

Sometimes I can go weeks without checking my email so I'm glad I checked it this morning. I don't understand what God is doing or choosing not to do, but this I know: He loves us and His heart is toward us. He is good- NO MATTER WHAT. I shared with {friend} about my struggle with "hope" and the raw pain of genuine hope... she gave me a much better perspective. It's "trust" that I need; more than even hope. I need to trust Jesus no matter the outcome or circumstances. Conversely, "hope" can become about a specific result or change. I can trust Him because I know His incredible character... where sometimes hope (as we often understand it) may lead to despair, without HIM as the focus.

May I lovingly admonish you? Change your mind... This battle may not be as much about what is going on in your body so much as what is attacking your mind. What if rather than seeing all that you need/should do (possible religious spirit), you begin to focus on what you CAN and GET to do! You CAN love Jesus. You GET to trust Him. You GET to spend more time with Jesus, growing in Him, being transformed by Him, preparing with greater focus on the things He wants to reveal to you to share with others... While painful, you CAN walk. You CAN sing. You CAN get to where you need to go. Let me re-phrase a scripture in hopes that it is not blasphemous... You CAN'T do anything without the strength of Jesus Christ. When you have the thoughts of "I can't", I propose, that you would be right. But the strength and power of CHRIST IS IN you! And He says you CAN! When you can't, it's probable that you are striving to function within your own strength (I am not exactly sure what this looks like or how it works... right now , I just know it is the truth and Jesus can work out the "how" that gets walked out).

{Beloved}, I love you. You have been and are a blessing to me... {.................} I am saying these things because of love. You have been very straight with me {.....}... so I am returning the favor (truly). I want you WHOLE. And so does Jesus. I hurt for you. Change your mind... change your focus. Let Him raise you up from the pit... In order for Him to do this you must believe He wants to and will! You are NOT being punished... Are there consequences for our choices? Without a doubt. BUT God desires and WILL still save, deliver, and free us from ourselves... He does it for me every day, when I LET Him.

{Beloved}, you know this, but I going to say it anyway THERE IS NO CONDEMNATION IN CHRIST JESUS. If you are feeling shame, guilt, condemnation- it is NOT Jesus! Have a JESUS filled day {which Beloved says often}... then you CAN do ALL things, yes even those things that you have been deceived into believing you could never do for {your lifetime}. (You do know I am preaching to myself right now right?!) YOU ARE NOT DEFEATED. {....God revealed significance in Beloved's given name....}

There is this incredibly wise person of God that has often referred me, and countless others, to a passage in Philippians... chapter 4 verse 8. You should check it out. It may just change your life. {This is one of the most quoted scriptures by Beloved!} It's interesting how the Lord gives us very specific life verses. My primary life verse has been Proverbs 3:5-6. As one who is pretty "teacher motivated" {spiritual gift}, I have discovered and appreciate the apparent significance that "I" chose that verse; consequently, many of my life's lessons have been directed at learning how to NOT lean on my OWN understanding (or desiring others to “lean” on mine either) but to acknowledge HIM and THEN my path levels out... Is it possible that one that walks in a gifting of mercy would need the constant reminder about where to focus her thoughts so that her emotions would line up with truth? And let's throw in the tendency of the prophecy to see the "wrongness" of their choices and that wrongness becoming a potential focal point (and WIDE open door for condemnation) instead of the river of grace to which Jesus is calling you.

I usually like to use the NKJV, but for the purpose of this "discussion" (and the satisfaction of my "exhorter" gifting) look at how The Message translates: "Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."

What is true? Really? That in Christ, you can't? Or that you CAN? What is the BEST? What are things to PRAISE not CURSE? (Will you praise that you CAN walk, not CURSE the cane...) What is beautiful, not ugly? (That you set an example of pursuing Jesus and ALL of your children and grandchildren do too- do you really want to focus on those things that you think are destroying your quality of life, OR on those things that have been beautifully created through you and your faithfulness to the only One who can change any of it anyway?)

May I now be incredibly bold? (gulp) Stop thinking about yourself... and all that you are and are not.

Please know my heart. I am NOT trying to trivialize the physical issues... they are real. But you teach the truth and I am now compelled to remind you of it. What are the verses that precede Phil 4:8? 6 ""Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

I know you want to stop hurting... I KNOW how that feels. But my sense is that you are not walking in a place of peace, especially in your emotions. He does not tell me to be anxious for nothing and then not tell me how to accomplish that. He sets me up to succeed! He gives me the "how". And when I apply the "how", He gives me a promise: peace. Not just ANY peace, but a militant (that is the original understanding) guarding of my heart AND mind. I am finding (slow learner here) that He does not allow me to have a problem without the provision of a promise.

While under different circumstances, I think sometimes you and I can "feel" like we are dying...maybe we are. If our focus remains on earthly things: circumstances, pain, limitations, self (sigh), then Truth says we are missing out on life and peace. "For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace." (Romans 8:6) Let's work together at focusing on being spiritually minded. Let's CHOOSE life and peace. Let's "set our minds on things above" as Colossians says.

I love you beyond words.... I shudder to think of the chasm that would exist should my life be absent of you.

My heart aches for you... I will be talking with our Father about you often...

I pray that you hear my heart. But above all, that Holy Spirit reveals His heart through any of my meaningless words and that He would do so exponentially and with haste.

xoxoxo,

{Steffanie}

Unseen Battle

2012-02-02T15:03:00.000-05:00

Whatever "it" is, it is deep and persistant...

I need my arms raised...

Hymn of Faith

2012-01-29T03:43:00.001-05:00

Though the fig tree should not blossom,
   nor fruit be on the vines,

the produce of the olive fail
   and the fields yield no food,

the flock be cut off from the fold
   and there be no herd in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the LORD;
   I will take joy in the God of my salvation.

Adonai, the Lord, is my strength;
   He makes my feet like the deer's;
   He makes me tread on my high places.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Word of God Speak

2012-01-29T03:24:00.001-05:00

Let MY words be few...

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;

My soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory.

Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night;

For you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.

Psalm 63:1-8

Back in Black...

2012-01-28T02:02:00.000-05:00

Here I sit in bed blogging... I should be sleeping. I am home alone tonight and really feeling it. I haven't slept much at all in the last few days so I should be out, but tonight the "weight" of life is bearing down a little more than usual.

I will confess that adding to what I will simply refer to as "life issues", is my mild anxiety concerning tomorrow's schedule. For those who are unaware, I am the Practice Representative for our area's BEST chiropractor. I am doing a "screening" for a large group (150-200) of EMS personnel for the entire day. Piece-a-cake. However, I will be presenting a 30-45 minute talk (immediately following lunch - yeah, I get the desk droolers) for said medical professionals. Did you catch that? They being medically trained and educated, will be listening to me attempt to teach them something. It's intimidating to me and I don't get easily intimidated. It's not the talking part that has me cranked... that is my specialty. (I will pause for a moment allowing whatever snide remark that is running through your mind finish its course...) The question is can I really teach them anything?

I'd rather entertain them... would it be inappropriate to break out into chiropractic song parodies like "My Boyfriend's Back - is really out of whack" or "Jimmy Cracked Corn but my Doc can do it better", how about "I've Got Friends in Lower Lumbar Regions", maybe "Like a Virgin- adjusted for the very first time", "I Can't Get No Subluxation (relief)"... wow, these are getting bad..."Ice Ice Baby- for at 10-20 minutes". Yeah, maybe I better stick with the script.

Because of the occupation of these "seminarians" and their circles, I fear many may well know a good portion of my "life issues"... I HATE this. This is the biggest reason I do not want to be there. It is heart breaking to me, that while I have no reason to not walk in there with my head held high, I feel cloaked in shame. How do I walk in there and be overtly me? I already feel judged and I am not even there yet... I can feel the sizing up (or down) and no one is even laid an eye on me yet... I know what I would say to someone if they were expressing these things to me, but somehow it doesn't seem to carry the encouragement. It's kinda like rubbing your own feet...

I pray that I will look out into the sea of faces and find just one person smiling back at me. Maybe a familiar face, maybe not, but just one whose smile says, "You are not alone. You've got this. You can do this. I believe in you. Keep your head up and stay focused. You are after all a Princess of the King. Now, smile and enjoy the people you are there to serve." Thank you friend... whoever you are.

Just a few hours until the alarm goes off... how about, "Don't Tell My Back, My Achy Breaky Back (that my doc is in Jamaica for a week!) Yeah, I should have definitely gone to sleep before writing this post!

I better get crackin'... :)

In Goodness: LORD Gives and Takes Away

2012-01-27T01:36:00.000-05:00

Tonight I pray as the Psalmist prayed..."The affliction You sent was good for me, for it caused me to pay attention to your principles."

Hosea 6:1         Come, let us return to the Lord. For He has torn us, but He will heal us; He has wounded us, but He will bandage us.

Deuteronomy 32:39      See now that I, I am He, and there is no <’elohiym> besides Me; it is I who put to death and give life. I have wounded and it is I who heal, and there is no one who can deliver from My hand.

1 Samuel 2:6    The Lord kills and makes alive; He brings down to hell and raises up.

Isaiah 30:26b    …the Lord binds up the fracture of His people and heals the bruise He has inflicted.

Job 5:18           For He inflicts pain, and gives relief; He wounds, and His hands also heal.

Let the healing begin...

Pharisiacal Freedom

2012-01-26T09:28:00.000-05:00

I am a detail person...well, usually. If I were reading this blog I would have noticed the last post was posted at 3:30 am. I would have speculated that such a post was predictable at 3:30 AM. We just do not cope well with much of anything when we are tired or are without much sleep.

That said, it is what it is. Some things/seasons in life keep us up at night or wake us up. I am in such a season. Once again, I find myself beginning a post that has no apparent focus but in God's goodness to me I find that if I just keep writing He produces something in me and for me. It still amazes me. That is why I am so thankful to be back here. I am excited to see what He will show me... how something as simple (or silly) as blogging, is a part of how He renews my mind and thereby transforms me. It's His promise. Wow. Give me a minute... I am processing this even in this moment...

I have had to fight this performance/religious based "thing" in me most of my life... this pharisaical mindset. Could it be that the transformation that I so desperately strive and long for through prayer and study, may actually come to pass by way of the gifts and desires that He has already placed in me? Don't get me wrong. Prayer- good. Reading the Word-good. But what if, in my religious pursuit, I am left empty? What if Holy Spirit is working within my natural desire to speak and to write and I don't have to "do" anything except that which comes naturally? Even as I am typing these thoughts and words there is a war in my soul...

Voice 1: "It can't possibly be THAT easy... of course, you have to DO something. You must be disciplined and focused."

Voice 2: "Maybe it is THAT easy... that natural. Wouldn't that feel like freedom?"

I posted on Twitter something I heard Kris Valloton (Bethel Church, Redding, California) say in a message he shared. The Law of Liberty -the Bible/Holy Spirit mixer- doesn't give me freedom to do what I want to do, it allows me to do what love requires. What if love requires me to do just that- love. Maybe love (or a dimension of love) looks like doing what comes naturally to me, allowing Him to work and move through me. Am I making any sense? If what I understand in this moment, while maybe not clearly articulating, is true, then I may on the verge of experiencing an incredible new level of freedom. Didn't Jesus come for freedom? It is for freedom that He set me free... free to be ME in Him and through Him... exclusively Steffanie... overtly Steffanie... (I am sensing you’re getting a little nervous).

I SO long for it to be OK to not be structured or organized or HAVE to have every i dotted and every t crossed... if I am growing in the things of Christ, if I am being transformed by the renewing of my mind, does it really matter "how" that is being done?

Romans 8 says there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. I see where I have lived in a state of all that I am NOT- condemnation. No wonder there is no freedom or change... it's not of God!

Verse 4 of that same chapter says "He did this so that the requirement of the law would be fully accomplished by us who no longer follow our sinful nature but instead follow the Spirit." Could it be that my sinful nature has been following the law? Still??

What if following the Spirit actually can feel natural, easy? Verse 9 "But you are NOT controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you...{on to verse 12}...you have NO obligation whatsoever to do what your sinful nature urges you to do." For real??

My sinful nature is pharisaical... it wants to follow the law. Verse 6 "If your sinful nature {to follow the law} controls your mind {you should do this and you shouldn't do that}, there is death. But if the Holy Spirit controls your mind, there is life and peace." Whoa! No wonder I always feel like I am dying...maybe because I am! I want life and peace...duh (sorry, little old school).

No one else, or anything else, gets to decide or dictate what my life needs to look like. I can walk in the freedom of how Jesus made me, doing the things that He has gifted me to do, (even things I enjoy doing) and in it discover the freedom of a natural relationship with Him. HE does the transforming in that place of freedom. Maybe He transforms me, not when I am striving to be transformed, but when I am simply being and doing ME in the manner in which He created me... overtly me. This Beloved, blows me away.

I GET to do what love requires... that's it...it always comes back to Love.

It's Still Raining...

2012-01-26T03:30:00.000-05:00

PRAISE YOU IN THIS STORM
Casting Crowns

I was sure by now that You would have reached down
wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.

I praise You Lord...

I'm Back

2012-01-25T11:48:00.004-05:00

I miss blogging... I am utterly amazed at how different, and exactly the same, my life is in comparison to my last post. I reread my entire blog and oddly enough, if the posts weren't dated, I would have cause for concern that I was somehow blogging in a nocturnal stupor regarding my current condition.

I am not on Facebook (I confess, I would be a creeper) but I am on Twitter. I love twitter. I have told other "mockers of the tweet" that if you can't say what needs to be said in 140 characters or less than it probably doesn't need to be said... ok, what I really mean is, I probably don't want to hear it. :) Yet, here I am blogging away with nothing really meaningful to say other than reintroducing myself to my blog.

I have come to realize, in more ways than I will confess here, I have a need to be heard... oddly enough, one of the very things that Lord has been transforming in me is the need to say less. So I ponder... is my need/call to say less stirring a greater need to be heard? I have always had plenty to say (pausing for the snide remarks) but I wonder in my sea of words how much has actually been heard.

I will be working to come here often... to think out loud. You don't have to listen. That may be actually more than either of us can handle. But I have determined that this blog is much more cost efficient than therapy for me! So I will write... think... speak... process... grow... heal... transform. Come along for the ride if you'd like, but I can almost promise a road with numerous turns, bumps and detours.

It's good to be back...again.

True Love

2010-11-19T21:57:00.009-05:00

I had someone ask me this last week about being "in love". The question was inflamed by the damage and perpetual rejection of a spouse. The wounds were so deep and had been steeped in years of ravaging deception and betrayal. It was easy (and understandable) to discern her subtle request for an "out".

I responded only with what I have come to understand and pursue. With regard to love in a marriage covenant we musn't waste time and energy seeking to distinguish between the feelings of romantic love and that of committed love. I love him (or her). Period.

I am called to love with the truest and deepest kind of love. This kind of love cannot be described with sonnets & love songs. Or with sentiments depicting butterflies in the stomach,the heart throbbing, and a twinkle in the eyes...Don't get me wrong, this is enticing, exhilarating and can even be quite motiviating, but it is horrifically incomplete. The truest love may begin that way, but must become prodigiously more. It can only be described as a resolve, a decision, a commitment...the fulfillment of a covenant. It's sacrificial, perilous, exposing, vulnerable, hopeful, patient, long-suffering and it must be completely and totally without condition.

These are not expressions of love that when we hear them (or live them out) will stir up"warm fuzzies", but they are declarations of True Love. The kind of love that calls you to lay down your life. (We don't like to hear that sermon do we?) I can tell you that I would have chosen another way. I like what makes me feel good. But I've been won over by True Love. So I don't live for me anymore. I live for the One Who took the risk of loving me...the One Who laid down His life for me. I'm eternally grateful that Jesus didn't wait for the "warm fuzzies".

I choose true love. Risky? Yes. Painful? Unbelievably.
But I don't know that I could be called to anything higher.

Re-Run

2009-08-20T23:39:00.002-04:00

I find myself sitting at the computer much later than I should be but I am enjoying the quiet and solitude. I was catching up on email and decided to check out some unread comments on my blog. I haven't been here in awhile...for reasons into which I will not go.

I think this is one of my new mantra's: "Life sucks but God is good.". I know, it isn't much of an exhortation and is crass, but it's where I am right now. If I could sit down and write a truly good "new" post I would write the While I'm Waiting post again...you know how you can watch re-runs of your favorite Little House or Cosby Show episode over and over(oops, I am showing my age) that's what is like to go back to that post. I may be in this waiting place for awhile longer...I pray not. But if you are looking to be encouraged don't keep reading this post, go back and read that one (or a Broken Hallelujah).

I wonder if the Apostle Paul ever did that. I wonder if he ever found himself in such a pit that he had to go back and read what he had already written (don't get your undies in a bunch - I am not comparing myself or my writing to that of the inspired Word of God) I just know he was human.

I am so thankful for the "good" days...the days filled with faith, hope, perseverance and strength. I am thankful because the "bad" ones can be really bad. I have had some of these lately. These are the days where all is tested...where you are actually making conscience decisions to take in air...where every ounce of energy is being used just to hold your head in an upright postion. Will I hold on one more day? Can I bear anymore? There sits before me the contending of hope and heartache, the clashing of perseverance and pain, and ultimately the collision of faith and fear... Yet, when I choose to let go, when my choice is to trust Him, in the sweetness of surrender He takes my hand and leads me besides still waters, He makes me to lie down in the greenest of pastures and He restores my soul...I shall not want anything but more of Him.

I will worship while I'm waiting...

Big Girl

2009-07-02T11:39:00.007-04:00

I know what some of you thought when you saw the title of this post...no, it is not about me and issues regarding weight! I just wanted to share a little video clip of my "baby" having just learned how to ride her bike. It actually chokes me up writing this. It feels like the end to a chapter in our lives...my baby is a big girl. I love watching them learn new skills and accomplish what they have considered impossible. I hope this never ends...for me or for them.

(Press Play - notice the cute little pig tails popping out beneath her helmet.)

Hello Stranger!

2009-06-21T22:58:00.007-04:00

Okay, so I haven't posted in awhile. Forgive me. Life has been a little hectic around here and I still struggle with keeping up with everything. One thing, about which I will write later, that has kept me busy is running! I have been attending a "boot camp" for runners and have run 5k races the past two weekends. I really do have a love-hate relationship with running but Lord teaches me so much when I do it...so I will run on!

Transitional Medicine

2009-06-10T16:37:00.016-04:00

As many of you know, we have been conducting a complete overhaul of our lifestyle in regards to health and eating. Part of this new lifestyle is the inclusion of vitamins and supplements. One supplement, of which we take plenty (especially the girls), is Alfalfa tablets.

Today I was commenting (okay, complaining) of a bit of an upset stomach. We are apparently still transitioning from the medicinal approach to natural methods because Sarah, attempting to be helpful, suggested I take some Alka-falfa! SO CUTE!

+

= Alka-falfa!

Run, Steffi Run!

2009-06-09T00:22:00.004-04:00

I ran tonight...not far. Not even far enough to consider it a "run". But I ran. Not even because I wanted to but because I needed to.

I was walking (really didn't even want to do that) at a nice pace and racking up a few miles but my hips started to hurt. I have experienced this before so I knew what I needed to do, I just didn't want to do it. My walking buddy also knew what I needed...so I began running. Just a nice slow jog -not that I do anything faster on a good day- and just the last stretch of road. But it was just what I needed. My hips quit hurting. Even as I ran I told my friend that it was easier than I thought it would be. I thanked her for pushing me.

As I began this post I didn't have a focus...just thought I would write a bit before heading off to bed. But remember how I told you that the Lord shows me stuff when I begin to write. Do you see all of the life parallels in the above paragraph? Wow.

I have been struggling lately. Loneliness. Lack of direction. Anonymity. Frustration. Senses of hopelessness...anything strike a chord? I have purposed however to keep putting one foot in front of the other. To walk it out. But things have really started to hurt. Maybe it is time to take this pain and run with it. I am not exactly sure what that is going to look like yet but I have a feeling I will know.

I began pouring some of this out with a friend today. He, having much more experience and wisdom than I, must also know I need to run. He pushed me. So I am faced with a choice. Do I continue to walk in the pain or do I begin to run? His exhortation to me was to not allow the pain to simply be felt but to embrace it. Let this pain push me to something greater...for my good and ultimately for the glory of God. This has always been my desire but sometimes I need the proverbial kick in the butt. Paul tells the Galatians "I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessing. Do you not know that in a race all runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize."

Here was my thought process, in the few moments I had to consider whether or not I would run, on my walk tonight: I don't want to. I can't. It may hurt more. I haven't done it in awhile. It's not far enough for a real run. Oh, my word! It ended up being much easier than I thought it would be. In fact, I could have run further than we did. God tells me to throw off my sinful nature (my way of thinking) which is corrupted by deception. But to instead let the Spirit renew my thoughts and attitudes (Ephesians 4:22-23).

I have allowed self-doubt, laziness, perfectionism and fear to control far too many things in my life...from the physical to the spiritual. I am tired of it. Lord, I am ready to run. Your counsel to the Hebrews is the prayer of my heart tonight: "...let me throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let me run with perseverance the race marked out for me. Let me fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Let me consider HIM who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that I will not grow weary and lose heart."

Should I decide to run, I know there will be times I will trip and fall...but at least I will still be moving forward.

Home Alone

2009-06-08T00:36:00.004-04:00

Okay, so it is late...very late. I really have no business sitting at my computer. I should be sleeping. My husband is gone, all of my children are gone and I am home alone. I should be elated with time spent in the quiet...should be. It's funny how one day I can so look forward to having some time to myself, I get it and then I am not sure what to do with it.

Here's the thing...I am lonely. May I be very candid and vulnerable? I have been struggling with this for sometime now. I know it may be hard to understand when I am surrounded by little people all day but it is what it is. With all of them gone, these feelings are now magnified.

I am not sure about the root of this...is it an attack from the enemy or is it the Lord calling me to solitude with Him? Either way it is heavy. It is like a weighted cloak. To be really honest, I am not even sure why I am posting this. Yet, there is something to be said about feeling that someone, somewhere might be reading this...someone is listening. Please hear me...I am not looking for sympathy or for any type of response. I just promised myself when I started this blog I was going to be real.

What am I trying to accomplish with the post? I don't know. I just know that in the past when I have started writing, the Lord begins to show me things. For reasons I don't understand, I somehow feel less "crazy" when I put things in writing. I suppose it helps me put things into perspective.

I am feeling incredibly anonymous. I realize that it may be hard for some people to believe, that someone with a personality as big as mine, can feel anonymous but there really isn't any other way to describe it.

Let me take you deeper...if you want to go there with me. I have been married for almost 17 years now. In that 17 years I could on count on both hands how many times I have heard my husband call me by my name and most of those times were in frustration with me. I, in NO way, am looking to disrespect my husband...this has just not been a strength of his (remember the "times of frustration" I just mentioned...I am sure I earned those!). But this has added to the feeling of anonymity.

As I sit here writing this and feeling its sting, I can't help but what wonder how God must feel. How many times have I only called out His name in times of frustration? Oh, I've said His name alright, but how many times has it been in vain? Lord, forgive me...

I thought about going for a run tonight but wondered who would know, for days, if something happened to me...I didn't go. Isn't it funny how isolation begets isolation. (Don't get me wrong, I talk with at least one of my three sisters or my mother almost everyday. In fact, I truly have one of THE most amazing families on the planet. But they all live out of state, so there is no one here to "check in".) I have lived long enough to know that this is just a season. But when you are in it, it feels like an eternity.

I remember, not very long ago, sitting in a corn field in the middle of August singing a song a dear friend and mentor wrote entitled All I Need. It is a song that encapsulates, with simplicity, my utter dependence on Jesus. The chorus sings: All I need...You are all I need...Jesus, Love of My life...You are all I need.

Maybe that is what I need to do tomorrow...find myself in a corn field.

FOR WOMEN ONLY!!

2009-06-03T22:20:00.015-04:00

So, today was my very first mamogram...I intended to give you the long, drawn out, comical version but as the clique goes, I figure a picture is worth a thousand words. (I will mention however,that I found it both hysterical and frightening when I walked into the room and the first thing I saw were the "uneating" pans!)
Below I have posted before and after pictures. Don't look if you are sqeamish...

Before...

After...

Keri-orgian Chants

2009-06-02T18:07:00.006-04:00

This is usually done with much more passion and flair but she wanted to share with all of you so this is what I got...Daddy loves it!

(Press Play)

While I'm Waiting...

2009-05-31T22:12:00.013-04:00

I find myself once again re-learning the discipline of waiting. This I have come to know my friends...waiting on the Lord can be excruciatingly difficult. I have fought many battles and shed an abundance of tears during this process.

Part of the problem is the culture in which you and I live. Drive-thrus, microwaves, the "time-saver"cycle on the washer, instant oatmeal...instant almost anything really. I want it, I get it. Heck, even cable has channels "On-Demand".

Even amid these "instants", there are still circumstances in which I have to wait. I can't get a healthy baby in much less than 9 1/2 months. I am held up in rush hour traffic. Try getting out of the doctor's office in any kind of acceptable time...even the room in which I sit is appropriately entitled the waiting room. I can't even watch the live "season finale" a minute sooner than when it starts (can you imagine?). But these are cases of everyday waiting...expected, ordinary, acceptable or at times, simply annoying.

Looking past the predictable however, there is the kind of waiting that demands a response. It will have a life altering outcome. The kind of waiting that steeps in agony..

Waiting for a job to open up
Waiting for a prodigal to return
Waiting for the test results
Waiting for your spouse to come back
Waiting for God to fulfill promises that He has spoken to you

I confess, there are many times I resign. I just don't have it in me. It gets too hard, too painful, too grueling...I'm done. I have had this very conversation with God this week. It's funny how those conversations work. I tell Him all the reasons why I am hanging it up...He listens. I tell Him all the reasons I just cannot go on...He listens. Then, in His usual gentle way, He begins to speak. I hear Him, if I am listening.

Today He spoke to me through His word and a song that has become my theme song. While my grip has slipped lately, I will hold on and worship while I'm waiting...

(Press Play)

Make Me Laugh

2009-05-29T22:03:00.005-04:00

Jason and I took the task of naming our children very seriously. We were equally as passionate about our individual opinions of what those should be. When we found out our second child was going to be another girl I was not looking forward to the impending "war" over names. I finally took it to God (I know, I know...I should have done it sooner).

He led me to the passage about Abraham and Sarah. Sarah? Hmmm....Sarah. I liked it. "It means 'Laughter'" He whispered to my spirit. "Yes, Lord, but that is because she laughed at You. I don't want my daughter to be named after someone who laughed at You." (The meanings of their names were very important to us also.) "It will be the laughter she brings to your home." He assured me. I complied, figuring Jason wouldn't go for it anyway. I mentioned "Sarah" to him that night in bed as an option and he replied "Yeah, I think I like it." So without further adieu, I present you with an example of the fulfillment of that Word from the Lord! This is entitled "Zebra Face".

(Press play).

Take Me Out to the Ball Game (4-5 nights a week!)

2009-05-28T23:01:00.030-04:00

We have been in full swing for softball (excuse the pun) season since April. All three girls signed up and Jason still plays with the church team. We are therefore at the ball park 4-5 nights a week. Jason is coaching Sami's team again and I am helping to coach Sarah's. We both love it. We hope to someday get to coach together and hopefully with at least two of our children on the same team. I have included some pictures of all the girls just before Sarah's game. (You'll notice, in true Marion fashion (maybe Smith:) ) that they all insist on making funny faces).

Keri has been playing t-ball but has opted out of finishing the season (for reason pertaining to Daddy's occupation vs. coaching personnel). She was easily bribed with the allowance of continuing to wear her uniform and cleats whenever she wants and of course $.75 to use at the concession once a week for sunflower seeds (the now, only somewhat acceptable treat option at the ball park).

Sarah is one of the oldest on her team and, in our opinion, the best as well (hey, Dizzy Dean always said "It ain't bragging if it's the truth"). She primarily plays short stop and has grown tremendously in the knowledge of the game and her position. She is good and she loves it. Her greatest frustration is that we don't yet have a first basemen that can catch her! She will be trying out for the travelling, fastpitch, all-star team on Saturday morning.

Sami loves playing softball. But to tell you the truth, I think... no, I know, she loves the social aspect of it more than anything. She has loved connecting with the girls on her team and literally cries if a game gets cancelled (she'd be ticked if she knew I told you this, so please don't tease her!). She is playing short fielder and some second base. She has really gotten a hold a a few balls this year and cranked 'em.

Thanks for granting me the honor once of again, of your time. I am always humbled that anyone cares about what I have to share! Have a GREAT weekend!

Heartless Humor

2009-05-28T22:31:00.005-04:00

Here is what I found when I went to pull some deer meat out of the freezer last night...

If you cannot read it clearly, it says: "I am 1lb of burger and I don't want you to eat me besues {because} you are mean besues you shot me."

Of course being authored and placed in the freezer by our little "stand up" Sarah Beth!

Doesn't Make Cents

2009-05-27T13:01:00.006-04:00

This really is nothing much worth writing but I found the irony in it humorous. How many of us leave the penny behind when we go thru the drive-thru, or when stopping at the mini-mart for a drink? I do it sometimes. Yet, I have spent hours cutting and sorting coupons to save$.10 or $.25. Here is the irony I was confronted with yesterday...I left the bread store in a hurry handing the cashier the $1.20 for my $1.19 purchase and headed out the door. I then proceeded to Kroger to pick up one thing. They now give you $.03 for each bag you bring in of your own. I shut the door to my van, unlatched the hatch in the back, dug below all of the softball bags and lawn chairs to get my bag to be sure to get my $.03 savings!! I'm such a nerd!

A Broken Hallelujah

2009-05-25T17:48:00.016-04:00

One thing I have learned, and continue to learn, is the power in praise. Don't get me wrong. There is no power in what I have to offer, but there is something about praising that touches the heart of God so profoundly that the spiritual atmosphere begins to change.

There are times when life is so excruciatingly painful that there is an actual collapse to the floor, curling into the fetal position, weeping uncontrollably and telling God that if He does not step into that very moment you will just lay there and die. Some of you know exactly what I am talking about...you've been there. If you have to think about it...you haven't.

On several such incidents of agony, my precious parents literally walked me through the process of praise. My heart was bleeding, I could barely speak through my searing tears. My mother began.

"Lord, I praise You....say it Steffi." she muttered through her own tears.

"Lord, I praise You."

"Lord, You are worthy...come on Steffi." she continued.

"Lord, You are worthy."

"Jesus, I thank You that things are just as they are...{waiting}...come on, Honey." she urged.

"Jesus, I thank You that....I thank You that...I thank You that things are just as they are. I praise You that You are STILL in control. I thank You that You see what I cannot. I thank You that You are working good out of all that is not...You are worthy, You are worthy, You are worthy..." The Spirit of God began to rise up in me! My circumstances did not change (immediately) but the ability to rise above them did. It is wondrous. It is my God.

Be exhorted, Beloved - Praise Him in ALL and for ALL things! The Psalmist says "He inhabits {lives in} the praise of His people."! Experience the spiritual atmosphere around you change. It is warfare and it is healing to the soul.

I copied the words to a song that has become a favorite of mine. It is from Mandisa's Freedom Album: Broken Hallelujah. I pray it speaks to you the way it does me.

With my love and my sadness
I come before You Lord

My heart’s in a thousand pieces

Maybe even more
Yet I trust in this moment

You’re with me somehow

And You’ve always been faithful

So Lord even now

When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah

Oh Father, You have given
Much more than I deserve
And I have felt Your hand of blessing
On me at every turn
How could I doubt
Your goodness, Your wisdom, Your grace
So Lord hear my heart
In this painful place

Hallelujah I lift my voice
Your Spirit moves
I raise my hands
I reach for You

Men of Honor

2009-05-25T10:21:00.001-04:00

This Memorial Day I will fulfill the expected, yet please know that it is truly from my heart. I want to take a moment to express a genuine THANK YOU to all who have served and are serving.

Let me begin with honoring my brother-in-law, Brian, who is currently serving in Afghanistan. I know that he began his journey with the Navy (commissioned) primarily to cover medical school. However, I also know his great love for this country and his passion for freedom. He has come to love his "guys" in the Marines and is committed to them. He has made tremendous sacrifices leaving his wife (my beloved sister) and children (my GORGEOUS niece and nephews) behind. Brian - THANK YOU for what you are doing. Nicole - THANK YOU for what you have to endure while your husband is gone. You are an AMAZING women.

Now, on to my own experience in the armed forces. My husband enlisted during the first gulf war. He served in the 82nd Airborne Division. He never did have to go over seas, to his dismay and my delight. However, I cannot begin to express the pride that I felt (and still feel) for his service. As in most areas of his life, Jason excelled as a soldier and was willing to die for our freedom. Jason- THANK YOU for what you gave. While I know that Memorial Day primarily focuses on military service, I would be remiss if I did not thank him for his present service on the front lines. He may not wear his camouflage everyday, but he still carries a weapon and a bullet proof vest. How many of us have to go to work like that? THANK YOU sweetheart, for continuing to protect our country everyday. You are a man of honor.

Both my father and father-in-law served. My father also never had to go over seas, but he definitely paid his dues and so did my mother! My father-in-law served in Vietnam and still to this day does not talk about it much. We will never know the atrocities that he saw. Daddy - THANK YOU for giving me a better life because of your service. Dad - THANK YOU for coming home! You are both honorable men.

Finally, and with great respect, I honor my grandfathers. Both of my grandfathers fought in WWII. This is stuff I read about in history class - yes, even 20 years ago. It is not just a story. These two stoic men have lived it. I will never know all they saw, sacrificed and endured for my freedoms. It has become cliche' because it is true - freedom is NEVER free...these are two men who paid the cost. Grandpa - THANK YOU for your sacrifices. Gramps - THANK YOU for you fighting for me before I was even born.

THANK YOU Father, that you have allowed me to live in country where I can speak to You and about You freely...at least for today. Please strengthen us to stand up for that freedom. Thank You for Your favor on this land. Help me to never take for granted all of those whom have fought for this country. But mostly, Lord, THANK YOU for Your ultimate sacrifice- Jesus- that no matter in which country I live, I am always free.

Provacative Sin

2009-05-23T16:49:00.003-04:00

I had some trouble getting to sleep last night. I found myself praying for Jon & Kate Gosselin (they are from a reality show: Jon & Kate plus 8 on TLC...they are Christians with twins and sextuplets). Our girls have been very curious about all of the tabloid/celebrity magazines that have them plastered all over their covers these days. Our oldest, Sam, picked one up (without my knowledge) and began to leaf through it.

Then it happened. Those things in life you know will come... those things about which you know your children will ask...she asked me what was going on. My heart is racing even as I write this. I, in an attempt to end the conversation, explained that those magazines do not very often tell the truth or exaggerate things to sell magazines. She continued to push. "It says Jon had an affair. What is that again?" Feeling like throwing up (much like I do right now) I explained. "It means that someone becomes involved with a person who is not their spouse." She questions again, "What do you mean involved?" Let me remind you that this conversation is taking place while walking to our van at Kroger. "It means they have feelings for a person, that God intended for their spouse, but many times act on those feelings with that other person." Fearfully anticipating the push for even more detail, her next comment crushed me..."But I thought Jon was a Christian...but he is a really nice guy and a dad."

Now, you have to understand that this is my child who sees things in black and white. Since she was little, we have had many talks about grace. Talks about how, that just because as a family we don't believe that it honors the Lord to celebrate Halloween, doesn't mean that she may put out a yard sign, of her interpretation, that says "Jesus hates Halloween". But this conversation was years beyond yard signs and trick or treat...or was it? Could she put out a yard sign for this one: "Jesus hates adultery"? I think so...yet, grace must fit in here too.

You see, I don't know if all of what the tabloids are saying are true. I hope and pray not. But this I do know...we ALL need grace and mercy. If what they say he did is true, it is horrifically sinful, destructive, devastating and excruciatingly painful for all of them. There will be years to recover, I am sure. There will be scars for a lifetime.

But I wonder, when God calls me to respect my husband but I instead choose to speak to him in a manner which is the antithesis of respect, haven't I now, also a Christ follower, sinned against God. Why do we choose the "provocative" sins as unforgivable. Oh, not that we think that God won't forgive. We know He will. But we still want to put sin on a scale. Hear me on this. I know the effects of an affair reach far beyond what we consider "smaller" sins. I will not trivialize this reality. But it is not my point here. I want to examine our need for mercy....each and every one of us.

I, for one, am not above sin, the need to be forgiven, or the need for mercy. I also know, first hand, the struggle with measuring sin. You know what I mean. "I would never do that. Or at least I haven't done that." Haven't I? Haven't you? According to scripture we have. My sister reminded me of this very thing the other day. If Jon did have an affair and I hid from my husband something I ate (deception), which one is more deserving of eternal separation from our God? To reconcile with His Word, we both are.

If Jon is repentant and humbled before God over his sin, and I am too, who will He heal and restore to Himself? I remember very clearly, Lord asking me one day. "Let's say Sami had tremendously hurt Sarah. Sarah was crying out for healing in the depths of her pain. Sami then came to you begging for forgiveness and wanting to be healed. Seeing both of your children in pain, seeking healing, who would you heal first?" I am an imperfect parent, but my answer to Him was, of course, both.

May I be completely confessional? I still have to work at "esteeming others as better than myself". Some days this is really hard. Because there are times when I look at others and say, "But I am better than that. I would never ______". (Please tell me you struggle with this too.) I pray against this. It is self-righteousness and pride. I hate it. It doesn't allow me to love others well...and is certainly not how Jesus loves or how He desires for me to love His children. I beg God to give me His heart in this.

I have needed grace and mercy more than I will probably ever know. Words could not begin to express what my heart feels... eternal gratefulness that Jesus loves me enough to lavish me with both.

I exhort you today, Beloved, let grace and mercy flow from you with abundance...as it has been given unto you.

Fowl Play

2009-05-22T14:10:00.001-04:00

Okay, so here is my first post...I would like to sit and write something deeply profound but I have instead decided to write what I shared with people yesterday.

It is nothing of consequence but I hope you'll humor me anyway. I cooked meat in my kitchen last night for the first time in almost 5 months. Why did I do it you ask....because Jason killed a turkey on our family hunting/camping trip to southern Ohio last weekend. (Make note: If taking three little girls into the middle of the woods with only a 5 gallon bucket -affectionately know as the "pee bucket" - bring plenty of extra pants and underwear.)

To be forthright, while impressed with my husband's prowess, it is my 5 year old's response to the eating of the said turkey that I found so worthy of sharing. Following several comments (spanning 3 hours) regarding the aroma of the cooking bird, Keri followed me into the kitchen for what would be the final temperature check. As I pulled out the roaster and peeled back the foil, she looked on with gianormous eyes and with as much gratitude as she could muster squeals, " THANK YOU GOD for wild turkeys!"

While sitting at our feast (organic spring mix salad; mashed organic sweet potatoes with cinnamon, nutmeg, raw agave nectar and some organic vanilla; slightly toasted fresh green beans with mushrooms, onions and garlic) she politely asked for the leg of the fowl - which was probably bigger than hers. Upon receiving the requested portion of meat, she took a huge bite, raised it above her head, leaned toward the opened dining room window and yelled to the street, "I'm... eating... TURKEY!!".

Expressions of Grace

Nothing Really

Home Alone

Not Bad Lookin' For a Fat Chic

Creepers

Giant Print Edition

Tonight's Menu: Lentil Loaf

Memoirs of a Midget

Paying it Forward

You Never Let Go

Private Ponderings (well, kinda)

Coming Out of the Closet

Awh, Fatty!

Here I Go Again on My Own (not really- just a cool 80's throwback)

It Matters

*Sigh*

Java Jive

The Crying Game

State of Heart

Voice of Truth

Free Falling

Take Me In

My Daddy Calls it "Stinkin' Thinkin'"

Unseen Battle

Hymn of Faith

Word of God Speak

Back in Black...

In Goodness: LORD Gives and Takes Away

Pharisiacal Freedom

It's Still Raining...

I'm Back

True Love

Re-Run

Big Girl

Hello Stranger!

Transitional Medicine

Run, Steffi Run!

Home Alone

FOR WOMEN ONLY!!

Keri-orgian Chants

While I'm Waiting...

Make Me Laugh

Take Me Out to the Ball Game (4-5 nights a week!)

Heartless Humor

Doesn't Make Cents

A Broken Hallelujah

Men of Honor

Provacative Sin

Fowl Play

Sigh