One Hundred Ten Percent

What do you do when your best isn't enough?

Father's Day Pre-Season

I probably shouldn't even be on here... it is really not good (for others) when I am in, what a friend would call, this "place".  But I need the outlet so either bare with me or feel free to leave...


Today was Mother's Day... I LOVE being a mother, especially to the three Gifts with which I have been blessed.  However, it still felt incomplete... As I watched husbands celebrate their wives (as well they should), it becomes another reminder of not having "together".  (Have I mentioned that I love together?) My husband was always very good about Mother's Day... It was one day that he not only celebrated me as a mom, but he celebrated and appreciated "me". We were "Mommy AND Daddy"... we were a family. I LOVE being  a family.  I have always had a passion for my family... intense passion.  There is now a deep void...


It "feels" sub-standard... one mommy & children, no daddy. You know what? It IS sub-standard.  It is NOT God's standard.  It is NOT His heart for our family... I think that this is part of the "violence" that God describes in Malachi regarding divorce. The violent tearing at the heart and the soul of all those involved, but most wickedly, for the innocent children involved... oh, how my heart breaks.


I feel incredibly lonely (in good part by my own doing)... everyone is so busy living their lives while I feel, at best, "stalled".  It's as though everyone around me is just buzzing with "life" as I am spending most of my days barely keeping my head above water... some days, I'd rather just sink.  


This is not who I am... I am not, nor have been, one prone to great sadness.  Yet, it seems to have consumed me as of late.  I have had moments of great happiness, but even those must no longer be... 


Because God is good I know He will not leave me here, but I must confess I have little strength, if any, to get up and walk away from it, if that is what He is asking of me.


I miss feeling alive... I don't mind that I have been broken (in SO many ways and on SO many levels), in fact I have been grateful for it; but I feel like there have been things stripped away from me that are a part of who I am.  I feel like there are places in me that have died that were never intended to die... 


I feel like I am wandering around with open wounds, only half alive... 


I KNOW this is not God's plan for me. I KNOW He loves me too much to leave me this way...


Fill me Jesus... make me hunger and thirst for YOU ALONE... come and fill the emptiness, the void... renew my passion & joy for living... I miss me.  Find me again... for my good and Your glory.

Remind Me Who I Am

We ALL need to reminded... OFTEN. 

Why so downcast oh my soul? BLESSED be the name of the LORD... 

(sometimes we need to self-preach)

Keeping It Real

Sometimes we need to confess our reality...

The Best Job

I have done a lot of complaining lately about flying solo with this parenting thing...

It is HARD, the hardest thing I have ever done...

BUT... I LOVE being a mom. 

Thank you, Jesus for the precious gift of my beautiful girls... truly.

It is Not Well With My Soul

I was told all is well...  all is not well.  

My heart is so broken I find it hard to breath...

I will keep moving... 

Because while I am not able, my God is...

But today, all is NOT well...

Re-Re-Run (Not Special Olympics)

I was going back through my blog, as I sometimes do, and read one from a couple of years ago... I am both encouraged and discouraged... Encouraged because I know I am still standing (sort of); discouraged because I see how little my life has actually changed and the pain in which I still find myself.  I have copied and pasted part of one of those posts because it describes so clearly where I am... once again. "
                           
                                            "I am so thankful for the "good" days...the days filled with faith, hope, perseverance and strength. I am thankful because the "bad" ones can be really bad. I have had some of these lately. These are the days where all is tested...where you are actually making conscience decisions to take in air...where every ounce of energy is being used just to hold your head in an upright position. Will I hold on one more day? Can I bear anymore? There sits before me the contending of hope and heartache, the clashing of perseverance and pain, and ultimately the collision of faith and fear... Yet, when I choose to let go, when my choice is to trust Him, in the sweetness of surrender He takes my hand and leads me besides still waters, He makes me to lie down in the greenest of pastures and He restores my soul...I shall not want anything but more of Him."


I pray that Jesus will strengthen me to let go and trust Him in surrender... and that it will, indeed be sweet.  Take my hand, Jesus, and lead me beside still waters; lay me down, Lover of my soul, in the fresh, living pastures, where You will stand me to my feet, hand in Yours, walking barefoot through the plush grass and in those moments find peace; RESTORE my soul that I may not want ANY thing but more of You...


Jesus, pursue me with Your goodness and unfailing love, to the place where I respond overwhelmed by it, all the days of my life... that I will live in the house of the Lord and shall want for nothing... for I have been satisfied by You.